Les and Sue Fox

“Unofficial” Beanie Baby Songs Vol. 1

IF NOT ALREADY A CULT CLASSIC, THIS IS DESTINED TO BE.

This EP is absolutely insane. And no, there was never a Volume 2.

I was introduced to Les and Sue Fox first as the authors of the late 90s Scholastic book fair blockbuster The Beanie Baby Handbook. This book is still available on Amazon, funny enough, but was most notable for giving absolutely ridiculous financial projections of each Beanie Baby. It started with the original purchase price, current market value (in 1998) on then fledgling website eBay, and then projected market value 10 years later. With our collection of a few rare Beanie Babies, my little sister and I were convinced that we were sitting on $20k and just had to allow the investment come to full, glorious fruition. Looking back now, how could adults assure children that this was even a faint possibility?

The music itself is pre-Garage Band, home-recorded KITSCH. It can only be described as a labor of love, and it is all the better that it turned out to be quintessentially flash in the pan, a definitive demand bubble. There is so much to unpack, straight up, like really, REALLY specific references to Beanie Baby culture. And all of this is carried forward with an Operation Ivy-esque call for unity in supporting each other’s love for Beanies. I mean, the first track’s epic yet tone-deaf bridge repeats “Beanie Babies are here to stay!” and it really drives home how deeply obsessed the folks who recorded this were. I’m already in need of a break from all this half-laughing/half-crying, and we’re only about a minute into the album.

But it really only gets better as the EP goes on. There's the super cringey, questionably racist faux-Carribean accent on track 2 that does NOT hold up these 20 odd years later. The highlight is probably the refrain “How do you like dat?”, with the bizarre but memorably fun line “Don’t come back for the rest of your natural life” as a close second. The third song, presumably titled “Spot Without a Spot”, is a deeply moving ballad that carries a terrible lesson in the final verse — e “If you buy these toys, I always will love you!”. Yes, we’re training kids to make their love conditional as a threat for more Beanies. What’s the problem?

The fourth song, “I Never Met A Beanie Baby I Didn’t Like" is kind of the B-side to the first song. It’s anthemic for sure, but just doesn’t have the reliability and raw catchiness of “Beanie Babies Are Here To Stay!”. The last song might be the most annoying song I’ve heard in my life. I cannot believe how long it goes on, all in a wobbly, bubbly, cartoony bandleader voice. This is an absolute nightmare, start to finish.

Looking back now, they all kinda sound like songs that sitcoms make up for fictional children to sing, like some kind of bootleg Brady Bunch. There are two copies on eBay, and no listings on Discogs. I have no idea how many CDs and cassettes were created, but it would be my life’s work if this became a highly regarded collector’s item someday.

TL; DR - my music taste has slightly improved. God bless my parents for their patience.

- Cam Sarrett